Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old
man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't
think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we
learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They
approached the old man and one of the students said to him:

"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk,
but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us
what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you
think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought......... but you're wrong.

So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"

And the old man said: "I thought It was a fart........... but I was
also wrong.................................."

that was a funny one,,, probably happend to anyone..

Like

Man, that was hilarious! I just wasn't expecting such an end!

lol nice one

Ohhh, nice one.

<- this looks cool.

LOL !!

Very great

thats a good one

Excellent.LMAO

Poor guy

thats great lmao!!

I hope this won't happen to me

this one ws pretty hilarious

lol i like this jokes... good to read

i thought this joke sucked...


















...but i was wrong!

hahahah nice

lolzzzz...nice one me8.....FART....lolzzz

Just keeping the joke thread alive


> This story happened about a year or two ago near Aughrim Co. Galway
> (Ireland), and even though it may sound like something out of the X
> Files or from Alfred Hitchcock Presents... its real!
>
> This guy drives from Ballinasloe to Kilreekill and decides not to take
> the new A road, as he wants to see the scenery.
>
> The inevitable happens and when he reaches the outskirts his car
> breaks down - he's stranded miles from anywhere.
>
> Having no choice he starts walking on the side of the road, > hoping to get a lift to the nearest human habitation.
>
> It's dark and raining and pretty soon he's wet and shivering.
> The night rolls on and no car goes by, the rains are so strong he can barely see a few feet ahead of him.
>
> Suddenly in the distance he sees the headlights of a car coming
> towards him and it slows and then stops next to him without thinking the guy opens the car's door and jumps in.
>
> Seated in the back, he leans forward to thank the person who had saved
> him when he realises there is nobody behind the wheel!!!
>
> Even though there's no one in the front seat and no sound of any
> engine, the car starts moving slowly.
>
> The guy looks at the road ahead and sees a curve coming (remember,
> this is in the hills and there is a steep, steep drop beyond the curve). Scared almost to death he starts to pray,begging the Lord for his life.
>
> He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a
> hand appears through the window and moves the wheel!
>
> The car makes the curve safely and continues on the road to the next bend.
>
> The guy, now paralysed in terror, watches how the hand appears every
> time they are before a curve and moves the steering wheel just enough
> to get the car around each bend.
>
> Finally, the guy sees lights ahead. Gathering his courage he wrenches
> open the door of the silent, slowly moving car, scrambles out and runs as hard and fast as he can towards the lights.
>
> It's a small town~ wet and in shock goes to a roadside bar, which is open, and asks for a drink. They find some Whisky and give him a shot. And he starts telling whoever will listen about the horrible experience he's just been through.
>
> A silence envelops everybody when they realise the guy isn't drunk,
> and Is really frightened - he's crying and shaking. So they give him more booze and talk about what they should do, whether to call the police or find a priest, or what.
>
> But just then two strangers walked into the bar. And one says to the other,
> "Look, that's the fecking eejit that got in the car when we were pushing it............."


A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."


Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'



There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.


little boy : mummy is god a girl or a boy?

mummy: why god is both girl and boy

little boy: mummy is god black or white?

mummy: why god is both black and white

little boy: mummy is god gay or strait?

mummy: why god is both gay and strait

little boy: mummy is god Michael Jackson?


One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.

Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.

So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.

When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.

16 years later

16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"

"What?"

I pissed out a bullet.

So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.

Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."

So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.

Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"

The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."

"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"

haha nice. it got a little lame at the end though...don't get me wrong it was good, i was just hopping for something more.

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.
She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned.
"You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."


There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"



fter all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists for the CIA assasin position — two men and one woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."

The first man said. "You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent replies, "Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.

All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can’t kill my wife."

The agent replies "You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."

The first one is great! And that about Girls Night Out

Comment for the last one: Women are cruel

Please read the procedures which apply to you and remember them for when you use our new machines for the first time.

PROCEDURES FOR OUR MALE CUSTOMERS:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Wind down your car window.
3. Insert card and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Wind up window.
7. Drive away.

PROCEDURES FOR OUR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window
with cash machine
3. Re-start the stalled engine.
4. Wind down the window.
5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto the passenger seat
to locate card.
6. Turn the radio down.
7. Attempt to insert card into the cash machine.
8. Open car door to allow easier access to the cash machine
due to the excessive distance from the car.
9. Insert card.
10. After "Invalid Card" is displayed, Remove Marks & Spencer
Charge Card and insert correct Cash Point Card.
11. Remove Cash Point Card.
12. Re-insert Cash Point Card the right way up.
13. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
inside back page.
14. Enter PIN.
15. Press "Cancel" and re-enter correct PIN.
16. Enter amount of cash required.
17. Check make-up in rear view mirror.
18. Retrieve cash and receipt.
19. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
20. Place receipt in back of cheque book.
21. Re-check make-up.
22. Drive forward 2 metres.
23. Reverse back to cash machine.
24. Retrieve card.
25. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into the
slot provided.
26. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
27. Drive for 2-3 miles.
28. Release hand brake

WOMAN'S DIARY:

Friday 18th November 2005

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping
in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it
might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter
to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go
somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't
seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.

I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he
hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter
but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed.
I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply.

He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but
later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant
and a bit cold, and started to think that he was going to leave me and that
he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.


MAN'S DIARY:

Friday 18th November 2005

Keane Leaves United. Gutted. Got a shag though .

_________________________________________________________



A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this BIG
African American guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy
staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch
penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."



The small man faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels
down and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says, "What's wrong with
you?"



In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"



The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you the
answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh
350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my
right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown."



The small guy says, "Turner Brown? Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn
Around."


___________________________________________________________






A very attractive lady goes up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestures
alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she
seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he
does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?' she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," the man replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands
beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running
her forefingers across the bartender's lips and shyly popping a couple of
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper
towels in the ladies room"
_______________________________________________________




A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old  fart,
time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of  these
chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me  have the two
old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking  over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you  around
the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over  the entire
chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old  man. So,
just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of  the
farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is  already about 5
inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front  porch
when he sees the roosters running by.

He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to  bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay  rooster I
bought this month."

Moral of this story....
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always  overcome
youth and skill!


_____________________________________________________





   Sean Connery, age 72 but still active, boasted on the Michael
   Parkinson show that he could still give a woman the time of her
   life at least 3 times a night.

   After the show Cilla Black, another guest, spoke to Sean about
   proving
his
   claim. After the normal preliminaries they moved to Cilla's house
   and
had a
   couple of drinks. Then the action moved upstairs. After the first
   bout Cilla agreed that it had been the time of her life.

   Sean however said 'I promised 3 times. If you will just let me
   sleep
for
   half an hour we'll do it again and it will be even better'. Of
   course Cilla agreed but then Sean said 'There is one condition: you
   must hold
my
   balls in your left hand and my John Thomas in your right hand while
   I sleep.'

   30 minutes later he awoke and, true to his word, it was even
   better.
'Now
   my dear' he said 'let me sleep for an hour but there is one
   condition'
'I
   know' said Cilla who didn't believe it could be any better, 'you
   want
me to
   hold your balls in my left hand and your tool in my right while you
sleep.'


   After the hour it happened. The earth moved, orchestras played and  Cilla
was
   in 7th heaven. 'I'd never have believed that holding your balls and  your
   tool while you slept could get you so excited' cried Cilla. "It  doesn't"
   replied Sean, "but the last time I slept with a scouser she stole
   my wallet!!!!"

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads:
"If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck

that reads:
"If you catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone - "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: "I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine..."

Mom mom I was whacking off and I shot the dog. good stuff but there are so many here I will have to read the rest later.

Lost Balloonist


A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.